Dissociation

The fourth definition for Dissociation on Dictionary.com is

"4. Psychiatry . the splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia or certain forms of hysteria."

I have experienced dissociation a lot, and currently, I have been dissociating since April 4th. Now, this does not mean I have amnesia, nor am I hysterical. I've just become disconnected. A simple, short dissociation period is like when you're driving down the highway and arrive at your destination, then suddenly you think, "How did I get here?" You can't immediately, or completely remember everything that happened during the car ride, all you know is that you got there safe and your car is still intact.

That is what I have been going through for the past few weeks, except expanded over into everything I've been doing. I can't remember actually going to my therapy session today unless I think about it, and I definitely can't remember what I did yesterday unless I really really press my mind. But hey, I'm still alive. I'm here to write about it. So it all must be going alright.

Anyway, apparently dissociation is very common for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I interpret the cause as being because of how extreme our emotions are. Negative things in our lives throw us way over the top normally. A friend getting mad at you when you weren't trying to upset them? Oh man. But someone using you, physically harming you, or even emotionally harming you way beyond them just being mad? Well shit. You don't want to deal with the feelings that are going to come up. They are WAY too extreme. It's easier to just not think about it, but with your mind, you can't ignore things. Instead, you just subconsciously FORGET them.

For me, any sexual situation causes dissociation. As soon as a guy starts kissing me, I go onto autopilot and immediately separate my mind from the situation. I don't want to think about what's happening because I don't WANT it to happen AT ALL. My past experiences have turned sexual situations into living nightmares for me. So, I dissociate, and I continue to dissociate until I am completely removed from the situation for a good amount of time.


Another part of dissociation is becoming completely apathetic to everything. I haven't felt happy, sad, angry, or anything since April 4th. Nothing has been affecting me at all, not even the fact that my birthday wasn't what I wanted it to be and that I was raped a week ago. In fact, I was raped probably because I was dissociating.

I'm even apathetic toward my own body, if that makes sense. I've felt numb for about a week now, like I'm floating or something. I bit through my cheek without even knowing I was doing it, and I promise I haven't been to the dentist to get a numbing shot. Sometimes totally random pain will shoot in, like in my fingernails for no reason. 

Dissociation is NOT something you can control. It's not just ignoring something by thinking about something else, it's the numbing of your mind and it happens whether you want it to or not. And even though it may seem like a good thing (at least it does for me), it's not healthy. Emotions are healthy, and learning to deal with them leads to being even healthier. Dissociation doesn't allow you to feel the emotions that you need to deal with.