Idealizing and Demonizing

You know that feeling most young people have in their first long term relationship, where their partner is all amazing and they have no problems with each other and they think they're head over heels in love, when the reality is they haven't had any problems yet because they haven't had much time together?

Well I do that on a regular basis, even with people I'm not in a relationship with. It's called Idealizing, and it's part of a thing called "splitting". This part of splitting is where you completely glorify something, as opposed to completely bringing something down, which they call Demonizing. More ways to describe this are "black and white thinking" and "all-or-nothing thinking".

It's best to use a personal example to describe this. It has happened many, many times to me, but I'll just use one.

There was a friend I had that so far in my life was the best friend I had ever had. It was during High School and we met in PE when she moved here. We were total nerds together and were also very athletic and messed around during class, shoving and rough housing while the other girls were all half-assing everything so they wouldn't break a sweat. Anyway, she was awesome. I loved her in a non-romantic way. We hung out ALL the time and never stopped texting each other. We even used our fax machines to send copies of drawings we would make. Anyway, I thought she was the best person in the world. Everyone else was an asshole compared to her and I couldn't stand not being around her for too long. I even pretty much became a part of her family and would play with her little sister and stuff. I even joined her family on a road trip to San Diego free of charge. It was amazing and it only lasted a year.

Then everything quickly started turning sour. We had mutual friends, and one of them (of which I had had an off and on friendship with since middle school because of splitting) got a job with my best friend. They became SUPER buddy buddy and she completely took over my place as my best friend's best friend. All they talked about were things I didn't understand because I didn't work with them.

I switched from Idealizing to Demonizing her completely. I stopped being interested in anything she said, I no longer wanted to hang out, and I felt she was completely stupid, idiotic, and just plain horrible. Then, one weekend the three of us were at a nerd convention and we were holding a game show panel. I put everything together and put 120% into the whole thing. Then, they made jokes about me and completely humiliated me in front of the people.

That was the last time I spoke to either of them. I was done. They were horrible in my mind.

In hindsight nothing really happened. We were growing up and changing and just doing natural things. But with the way my mind works, they were out to get me.

There are thoughts my mind has for guys that I really like and it leads to nothing good as well. I completely idealize any guy I really really like. Any nice thing they do for me is just mind blowing. And when they say they don't like me that way, it makes it even worse. I'll do anything for them and nothing is off limits. Even if they are complete assholes that use me, I'll tell them all of these wonderful things that I think about them, like saying I like how successful they are or how independent they are, etc etc and do my best to make them feel good about themselves. Even when they get girlfriends I still don't back down. Usually it takes other people telling me enough bad things about them before I realize they are assholes.

I didn't even know I did this until I went to therapy and was told about it. It probably accounts for the ending of ALL friendships I've had, and I have had a TON. But now that I realize it I HOPE I can manage it better. I don't enjoy losing friends and I doubt too many other people do either.

Self Harming

I want to put a disclaimer before this post. I am NOT stating this information in support of self harming. It is a HORRIBLE habit and is NOT something that should be glorified or popularized or accepted. Also, it is not something to be taken lightly. If you self harm, please talk to someone that is qualified to help you. If you are not comfortable or are unable to, you can speak with me at mdramer@hotmail.com. In this life the only sure person that you can trust is yourself, and when you turn on even yourself there is something wrong.

Also, this post will not contain methods on getting the "tools" necessary for self harming.

Emotions

Emotions are great, aren't they? Feeling happy when happy things happen, feeling sad when sad things happen. Loving people, loving things, enjoyment, anger. Emotions are normal. They are healthy and there is nothing wrong with having them.

I wish someone would have told that to me a long time ago. I was raised with the belief that emotions are things to be kept in, at least the "bad" ones like sadness. Emotions are weaknesses and expressing them is the same as letting your guard down. Once I was to the age where I could understand basic concepts, that was when crying in distress was unacceptable. I was a big girl. I was my brother's big sister and I had to set a good example.

I cried in front of someone in January for the first time in over ten years. I'm not even 20, so that's more than half my life of not crying in front of anyone. Even when I cried on my own I hated myself. I was being weak. It was ridiculous. And then since I hated myself, I cried MORE. Usually the only way I could make myself stop was by self harming or crying myself to sleep. I didn't have any real coping methods because I wasn't supposed to need them.

Now about these emotions: it's not just, I couldn't stop crying because my animal died. That's completely reasonable. It was more like, I couldn't stop crying because someone told me I was wrong about something like what day it was. I'm not just saying I did this as a little kid, either. I still do that to this day. Recently I freaked out completely because I responded to a math problem someone had on Facebook, and a girl made a snide comment (which after I calmed down realized was completely wrong). I completely broke down crying and just fell to the floor and started texting my friends and my therapist. I felt like I was going to die from humiliation or something.

Most of my problems are with extreme sadness like that. But recently (like within the past month), I've started to become extremely angry. I throw things, punch walls, punch myself, punch the air, punch all kinds of things. Then I get mad that it's happening and hate myself even more. I've slammed my head against walls, pounded on my legs until they were sore whether I moved them or not, and have cut at least once somewhere on all of my limbs, and a ton on my stomach. I cut when I'm sad too.

In writing this I realize my reactions are all very similar. Freaking out is freaking out and irrational is irrational. There's no real difference in it because of causes or which emotion it is.

While these emotions explode out of control, nice ones like happiness and enjoyment are completely absent, or don't last more than in the moment. I guess that makes up the depression part of Borderline Personality Disorder. It even sounds pretty Bipolar as well.

I can't explain why this happens. I'm not qualified to and I haven't been told. But in a previous post I wrote things that can help in the moments that these things happen, and I hope that can help.

Problem Solving

Psychotherapy. What the heck is that? I don't even know. I've looked it up and it's complex and has all these big words and terms and phrases and just way too much information to comprehend. I found myself having to look up every term and then looking up the terms to describe that term.

So since I'm not formally trained to be a therapist or anything, I'll skip the bullshit and just talk about what I've been told. Even now I can't remember everything.

I'll go in the order of which things have been introduced to me:

1. Meditation. The first day of therapy I was told to meditate. I thought, what? I don't do that stuff and I don't even really take it seriously. I'm not Buddhist and I don't like sitting still. Even to this day I still can't get a hold of it and my therapist is getting upset with me. It's a habit you have to make for yourself. She told me to start out by just sitting down in a room on my own. Turn off the lights if you have to to help yourself focus. Close your eyes. For the first few times you do it, just count down from 100. Do that a few times and once you can connect a calm feeling to meditation, then go to a higher number, like 150. Eventually, when you are comfortable with meditation, start listening to guided meditations on youtube. There are a TON and they're all different, so you have to spend some time to find that type that's right for you.
2. Taking a Breath. This is the simplest one. As soon as you feel strong feelings coming on, no matter what they are, stop and take a deep breath. Just one could change the situation completely. It gives you a short break in your thinking.
3. Processing. This something you actually do during an appointment with a therapist. Mine gives me buzzy things to hold that sort of ground me and make me focus better on my thoughts. She asks me questions and gives me a minute or so to think (or process) about it. I'll tell her all my thoughts having to do with that, and she'll come up with another question. The questions are all about your personal experiences that have bothered you and affected you deeply. With this, you have to be open to speaking about these things to your therapist.
4. Five Senses. If meditation isn't working well for you (like me), there's something else you can do! Make a list (actually write this down) of the five senses. Taste, touch, smell, sight, sound. Next to each of those things, write your favorite things. Mine is,
1. Taste: Shrimp
2. Touch: My cat
3. Smell: Vanilla lotion
4. Sight: Artwork
5. Sound: Rain

          Now that you have your list, try to compile these things together, or at least as much as you
          can. This is for when your mind is racing for whatever reason, and you want/need to calm
          down. Start at the top of the list, and give it three minutes. If that sense doesn't help you, move
          on to the next. Speeding through them won't help you.

Now, I know how hard it can be to even think rationally when you're having a "crisis", let alone think of these things. I can't even say myself that any of these I use habitually (except for Processing), but it takes time to learn things. And it's even more difficult when you're crying and screaming and in a fit of rage and hitting everything in sight (along with yourself) and hating everything about you and your life.

I'll post new things that are introduced to me as I continue therapy.

Dissociation

The fourth definition for Dissociation on Dictionary.com is

"4. Psychiatry . the splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia or certain forms of hysteria."

I have experienced dissociation a lot, and currently, I have been dissociating since April 4th. Now, this does not mean I have amnesia, nor am I hysterical. I've just become disconnected. A simple, short dissociation period is like when you're driving down the highway and arrive at your destination, then suddenly you think, "How did I get here?" You can't immediately, or completely remember everything that happened during the car ride, all you know is that you got there safe and your car is still intact.

That is what I have been going through for the past few weeks, except expanded over into everything I've been doing. I can't remember actually going to my therapy session today unless I think about it, and I definitely can't remember what I did yesterday unless I really really press my mind. But hey, I'm still alive. I'm here to write about it. So it all must be going alright.

Anyway, apparently dissociation is very common for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I interpret the cause as being because of how extreme our emotions are. Negative things in our lives throw us way over the top normally. A friend getting mad at you when you weren't trying to upset them? Oh man. But someone using you, physically harming you, or even emotionally harming you way beyond them just being mad? Well shit. You don't want to deal with the feelings that are going to come up. They are WAY too extreme. It's easier to just not think about it, but with your mind, you can't ignore things. Instead, you just subconsciously FORGET them.

For me, any sexual situation causes dissociation. As soon as a guy starts kissing me, I go onto autopilot and immediately separate my mind from the situation. I don't want to think about what's happening because I don't WANT it to happen AT ALL. My past experiences have turned sexual situations into living nightmares for me. So, I dissociate, and I continue to dissociate until I am completely removed from the situation for a good amount of time.


Another part of dissociation is becoming completely apathetic to everything. I haven't felt happy, sad, angry, or anything since April 4th. Nothing has been affecting me at all, not even the fact that my birthday wasn't what I wanted it to be and that I was raped a week ago. In fact, I was raped probably because I was dissociating.

I'm even apathetic toward my own body, if that makes sense. I've felt numb for about a week now, like I'm floating or something. I bit through my cheek without even knowing I was doing it, and I promise I haven't been to the dentist to get a numbing shot. Sometimes totally random pain will shoot in, like in my fingernails for no reason. 

Dissociation is NOT something you can control. It's not just ignoring something by thinking about something else, it's the numbing of your mind and it happens whether you want it to or not. And even though it may seem like a good thing (at least it does for me), it's not healthy. Emotions are healthy, and learning to deal with them leads to being even healthier. Dissociation doesn't allow you to feel the emotions that you need to deal with.

Causes, Personal Experiences

There are a couple causes Borderline Personality Disorder, and they deal with childhood. The biggest cause is childhood abuse of any form. The other is genes, the disorder running in the family.

Now since the causes are so straight forward in their explanations, all I can really do is speak of my own causes. I'm going to be slightly vague and try to keep my story abridged, but I'll give you the general idea. I'll probably end up elaborating later anyway.

I'll have to start with how I was born. Not physically how I was born, but my temperament. Temperament is your natural predisposition, like where your point of level emotion is.

My therapist used a great example for me, and the best way to describe it is with pictures.

Okay. So there are two babies in a nursery at the hospital, both had been born at the same time on the same day. We will call them Baby A and Baby B just because I don't feel like being too creative.

So babies pretty much cry easily, right? It sucks but it's true. So, something sets them off, like some nurse drops a pan full of syringes, trips, falls, and pokes out her eye and is screaming in pain. These babies are going to start crying. This is where temperament comes in. Baby B has a naturally higher temperament than Baby A.

So, his stress levels are just naturally higher. That means when the nurse pokes out her eye, he's way more upset than the other baby. They start at their respective temperament levels and their stress shoots up.

Poor babies. There's even more noise as people come in with a gourney to wheel out the nurse. But once she's gone and peace and quiet is restored, the babies can finally calm back down. But, because of their temperament levels, Baby B is still going to be pretty stressed and can have his anger set off like a trigger once again.

So there you go. My explanation wasn't as good as my therapist's and I probably missed something important. Oh, also I am Baby B. Anyway, Temperament is only 50% of the problem. (Or just my problem, it all depends).

The other 50% is the presence of an Invalidating Environment. That means that where I (or you or whoever) grew up didn't provide enough validation for them. To explain, I will use my situation.

I have lived with my parents my whole life. When I was a kid, they were still married. With them, no matter what I did or how well I did in school mattered. I have gotten top grades for all years of my life so far, and it doesn't mean anything. I wasn't told "good job", it was just what they expected of me and as long as I met their expectations, there were no problems.

Also, there was a strong lack of affection. Remember years ago when someone made fun of Kobe Bryant or Kobe made fun of someone else, saying they were a bad person because "His mom must have never hugged him enough as a kid"? Well, that's part of my problem. I wasn't given too many hugs or kisses. We didn't hold hands in the store or whatever. Physical contact is very important from birth, especially before the kid can talk and understand what you're saying. Touch, especially a mother's touch, is very important and shows love. Then, once they can speak and understand, it is also important to verbally tell children that you love them and let them know that the good things they do actually ARE good and should be celebrated. I didn't receive that either, of course.

So, Temperament and Invalidating Environment play a huge role in a child's development. For me, it played a very negative role. These things are sort of the whole "setting yourself up for failure" kind of aspect. They didn't flip the switch on giving me a personality disorder, they just screwed up the wiring in the wall and rerouted it straight for disaster.

Helpful Links, Numbers, and Addresses (Even Books!)

PHONE NUMBERS:

1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)  

• Suicide Prevention Hotline (Helped me personally, and they can refer you to more local numbers if you need immediate help that is not so urgent for 911).

1-800-448-3000 

• The Boys Town National Hotline (I have not personally called this number but it has been given to me.)

LINKS:

Suicide - Read This First 

• Reading this always calms me down.

ADDRESSES:

Email Jo 

• The Samaritans are non profit, you can email and they ALWAYS respond within a day. Talk about whatever you want with them.

BOOKS:

Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen 

• I do not suggest watching the movie, Whoopi Goldberg made me feel horrible about myself.