Idealizing and Demonizing

You know that feeling most young people have in their first long term relationship, where their partner is all amazing and they have no problems with each other and they think they're head over heels in love, when the reality is they haven't had any problems yet because they haven't had much time together?

Well I do that on a regular basis, even with people I'm not in a relationship with. It's called Idealizing, and it's part of a thing called "splitting". This part of splitting is where you completely glorify something, as opposed to completely bringing something down, which they call Demonizing. More ways to describe this are "black and white thinking" and "all-or-nothing thinking".

It's best to use a personal example to describe this. It has happened many, many times to me, but I'll just use one.

There was a friend I had that so far in my life was the best friend I had ever had. It was during High School and we met in PE when she moved here. We were total nerds together and were also very athletic and messed around during class, shoving and rough housing while the other girls were all half-assing everything so they wouldn't break a sweat. Anyway, she was awesome. I loved her in a non-romantic way. We hung out ALL the time and never stopped texting each other. We even used our fax machines to send copies of drawings we would make. Anyway, I thought she was the best person in the world. Everyone else was an asshole compared to her and I couldn't stand not being around her for too long. I even pretty much became a part of her family and would play with her little sister and stuff. I even joined her family on a road trip to San Diego free of charge. It was amazing and it only lasted a year.

Then everything quickly started turning sour. We had mutual friends, and one of them (of which I had had an off and on friendship with since middle school because of splitting) got a job with my best friend. They became SUPER buddy buddy and she completely took over my place as my best friend's best friend. All they talked about were things I didn't understand because I didn't work with them.

I switched from Idealizing to Demonizing her completely. I stopped being interested in anything she said, I no longer wanted to hang out, and I felt she was completely stupid, idiotic, and just plain horrible. Then, one weekend the three of us were at a nerd convention and we were holding a game show panel. I put everything together and put 120% into the whole thing. Then, they made jokes about me and completely humiliated me in front of the people.

That was the last time I spoke to either of them. I was done. They were horrible in my mind.

In hindsight nothing really happened. We were growing up and changing and just doing natural things. But with the way my mind works, they were out to get me.

There are thoughts my mind has for guys that I really like and it leads to nothing good as well. I completely idealize any guy I really really like. Any nice thing they do for me is just mind blowing. And when they say they don't like me that way, it makes it even worse. I'll do anything for them and nothing is off limits. Even if they are complete assholes that use me, I'll tell them all of these wonderful things that I think about them, like saying I like how successful they are or how independent they are, etc etc and do my best to make them feel good about themselves. Even when they get girlfriends I still don't back down. Usually it takes other people telling me enough bad things about them before I realize they are assholes.

I didn't even know I did this until I went to therapy and was told about it. It probably accounts for the ending of ALL friendships I've had, and I have had a TON. But now that I realize it I HOPE I can manage it better. I don't enjoy losing friends and I doubt too many other people do either.