You know that feeling most young people have in their first long term relationship, where their partner is all amazing and they have no problems with each other and they think they're head over heels in love, when the reality is they haven't had any problems yet because they haven't had much time together?
Well I do that on a regular basis, even with people I'm not in a relationship with. It's called Idealizing, and it's part of a thing called "splitting". This part of splitting is where you completely glorify something, as opposed to completely bringing something down, which they call Demonizing. More ways to describe this are "black and white thinking" and "all-or-nothing thinking".
It's best to use a personal example to describe this. It has happened many, many times to me, but I'll just use one.
There was a friend I had that so far in my life was the best friend I had ever had. It was during High School and we met in PE when she moved here. We were total nerds together and were also very athletic and messed around during class, shoving and rough housing while the other girls were all half-assing everything so they wouldn't break a sweat. Anyway, she was awesome. I loved her in a non-romantic way. We hung out ALL the time and never stopped texting each other. We even used our fax machines to send copies of drawings we would make. Anyway, I thought she was the best person in the world. Everyone else was an asshole compared to her and I couldn't stand not being around her for too long. I even pretty much became a part of her family and would play with her little sister and stuff. I even joined her family on a road trip to San Diego free of charge. It was amazing and it only lasted a year.
Then everything quickly started turning sour. We had mutual friends, and one of them (of which I had had an off and on friendship with since middle school because of splitting) got a job with my best friend. They became SUPER buddy buddy and she completely took over my place as my best friend's best friend. All they talked about were things I didn't understand because I didn't work with them.
I switched from Idealizing to Demonizing her completely. I stopped being interested in anything she said, I no longer wanted to hang out, and I felt she was completely stupid, idiotic, and just plain horrible. Then, one weekend the three of us were at a nerd convention and we were holding a game show panel. I put everything together and put 120% into the whole thing. Then, they made jokes about me and completely humiliated me in front of the people.
That was the last time I spoke to either of them. I was done. They were horrible in my mind.
In hindsight nothing really happened. We were growing up and changing and just doing natural things. But with the way my mind works, they were out to get me.
There are thoughts my mind has for guys that I really like and it leads to nothing good as well. I completely idealize any guy I really really like. Any nice thing they do for me is just mind blowing. And when they say they don't like me that way, it makes it even worse. I'll do anything for them and nothing is off limits. Even if they are complete assholes that use me, I'll tell them all of these wonderful things that I think about them, like saying I like how successful they are or how independent they are, etc etc and do my best to make them feel good about themselves. Even when they get girlfriends I still don't back down. Usually it takes other people telling me enough bad things about them before I realize they are assholes.
I didn't even know I did this until I went to therapy and was told about it. It probably accounts for the ending of ALL friendships I've had, and I have had a TON. But now that I realize it I HOPE I can manage it better. I don't enjoy losing friends and I doubt too many other people do either.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Self Harming
I want to put a disclaimer before this post. I am NOT stating this information in support of self harming. It is a HORRIBLE habit and is NOT something that should be glorified or popularized or accepted. Also, it is not something to be taken lightly. If you self harm, please talk to someone that is qualified to help you. If you are not comfortable or are unable to, you can speak with me at mdramer@hotmail.com. In this life the only sure person that you can trust is yourself, and when you turn on even yourself there is something wrong.
Also, this post will not contain methods on getting the "tools" necessary for self harming.
Also, this post will not contain methods on getting the "tools" necessary for self harming.
Emotions
Emotions are great, aren't they? Feeling happy when happy things happen, feeling sad when sad things happen. Loving people, loving things, enjoyment, anger. Emotions are normal. They are healthy and there is nothing wrong with having them.
I wish someone would have told that to me a long time ago. I was raised with the belief that emotions are things to be kept in, at least the "bad" ones like sadness. Emotions are weaknesses and expressing them is the same as letting your guard down. Once I was to the age where I could understand basic concepts, that was when crying in distress was unacceptable. I was a big girl. I was my brother's big sister and I had to set a good example.
I cried in front of someone in January for the first time in over ten years. I'm not even 20, so that's more than half my life of not crying in front of anyone. Even when I cried on my own I hated myself. I was being weak. It was ridiculous. And then since I hated myself, I cried MORE. Usually the only way I could make myself stop was by self harming or crying myself to sleep. I didn't have any real coping methods because I wasn't supposed to need them.
Now about these emotions: it's not just, I couldn't stop crying because my animal died. That's completely reasonable. It was more like, I couldn't stop crying because someone told me I was wrong about something like what day it was. I'm not just saying I did this as a little kid, either. I still do that to this day. Recently I freaked out completely because I responded to a math problem someone had on Facebook, and a girl made a snide comment (which after I calmed down realized was completely wrong). I completely broke down crying and just fell to the floor and started texting my friends and my therapist. I felt like I was going to die from humiliation or something.
Most of my problems are with extreme sadness like that. But recently (like within the past month), I've started to become extremely angry. I throw things, punch walls, punch myself, punch the air, punch all kinds of things. Then I get mad that it's happening and hate myself even more. I've slammed my head against walls, pounded on my legs until they were sore whether I moved them or not, and have cut at least once somewhere on all of my limbs, and a ton on my stomach. I cut when I'm sad too.
In writing this I realize my reactions are all very similar. Freaking out is freaking out and irrational is irrational. There's no real difference in it because of causes or which emotion it is.
While these emotions explode out of control, nice ones like happiness and enjoyment are completely absent, or don't last more than in the moment. I guess that makes up the depression part of Borderline Personality Disorder. It even sounds pretty Bipolar as well.
I can't explain why this happens. I'm not qualified to and I haven't been told. But in a previous post I wrote things that can help in the moments that these things happen, and I hope that can help.
I wish someone would have told that to me a long time ago. I was raised with the belief that emotions are things to be kept in, at least the "bad" ones like sadness. Emotions are weaknesses and expressing them is the same as letting your guard down. Once I was to the age where I could understand basic concepts, that was when crying in distress was unacceptable. I was a big girl. I was my brother's big sister and I had to set a good example.
I cried in front of someone in January for the first time in over ten years. I'm not even 20, so that's more than half my life of not crying in front of anyone. Even when I cried on my own I hated myself. I was being weak. It was ridiculous. And then since I hated myself, I cried MORE. Usually the only way I could make myself stop was by self harming or crying myself to sleep. I didn't have any real coping methods because I wasn't supposed to need them.
Now about these emotions: it's not just, I couldn't stop crying because my animal died. That's completely reasonable. It was more like, I couldn't stop crying because someone told me I was wrong about something like what day it was. I'm not just saying I did this as a little kid, either. I still do that to this day. Recently I freaked out completely because I responded to a math problem someone had on Facebook, and a girl made a snide comment (which after I calmed down realized was completely wrong). I completely broke down crying and just fell to the floor and started texting my friends and my therapist. I felt like I was going to die from humiliation or something.
Most of my problems are with extreme sadness like that. But recently (like within the past month), I've started to become extremely angry. I throw things, punch walls, punch myself, punch the air, punch all kinds of things. Then I get mad that it's happening and hate myself even more. I've slammed my head against walls, pounded on my legs until they were sore whether I moved them or not, and have cut at least once somewhere on all of my limbs, and a ton on my stomach. I cut when I'm sad too.
In writing this I realize my reactions are all very similar. Freaking out is freaking out and irrational is irrational. There's no real difference in it because of causes or which emotion it is.
While these emotions explode out of control, nice ones like happiness and enjoyment are completely absent, or don't last more than in the moment. I guess that makes up the depression part of Borderline Personality Disorder. It even sounds pretty Bipolar as well.
I can't explain why this happens. I'm not qualified to and I haven't been told. But in a previous post I wrote things that can help in the moments that these things happen, and I hope that can help.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Problem Solving
Psychotherapy. What the heck is that? I don't even know. I've looked it up and it's complex and has all these big words and terms and phrases and just way too much information to comprehend. I found myself having to look up every term and then looking up the terms to describe that term.
So since I'm not formally trained to be a therapist or anything, I'll skip the bullshit and just talk about what I've been told. Even now I can't remember everything.
I'll go in the order of which things have been introduced to me:
can. This is for when your mind is racing for whatever reason, and you want/need to calm
down. Start at the top of the list, and give it three minutes. If that sense doesn't help you, move
on to the next. Speeding through them won't help you.
Now, I know how hard it can be to even think rationally when you're having a "crisis", let alone think of these things. I can't even say myself that any of these I use habitually (except for Processing), but it takes time to learn things. And it's even more difficult when you're crying and screaming and in a fit of rage and hitting everything in sight (along with yourself) and hating everything about you and your life.
I'll post new things that are introduced to me as I continue therapy.
So since I'm not formally trained to be a therapist or anything, I'll skip the bullshit and just talk about what I've been told. Even now I can't remember everything.
I'll go in the order of which things have been introduced to me:
- Meditation. The first day of therapy I was told to meditate. I thought, what? I don't do that stuff and I don't even really take it seriously. I'm not Buddhist and I don't like sitting still. Even to this day I still can't get a hold of it and my therapist is getting upset with me. It's a habit you have to make for yourself. She told me to start out by just sitting down in a room on my own. Turn off the lights if you have to to help yourself focus. Close your eyes. For the first few times you do it, just count down from 100. Do that a few times and once you can connect a calm feeling to meditation, then go to a higher number, like 150. Eventually, when you are comfortable with meditation, start listening to guided meditations on youtube. There are a TON and they're all different, so you have to spend some time to find that type that's right for you.
- Taking a Breath. This is the simplest one. As soon as you feel strong feelings coming on, no matter what they are, stop and take a deep breath. Just one could change the situation completely. It gives you a short break in your thinking.
- Processing. This something you actually do during an appointment with a therapist. Mine gives me buzzy things to hold that sort of ground me and make me focus better on my thoughts. She asks me questions and gives me a minute or so to think (or process) about it. I'll tell her all my thoughts having to do with that, and she'll come up with another question. The questions are all about your personal experiences that have bothered you and affected you deeply. With this, you have to be open to speaking about these things to your therapist.
- Five Senses. If meditation isn't working well for you (like me), there's something else you can do! Make a list (actually write this down) of the five senses. Taste, touch, smell, sight, sound. Next to each of those things, write your favorite things. Mine is,
- Taste: Shrimp
- Touch: My cat
- Smell: Vanilla lotion
- Sight: Artwork
- Sound: Rain
can. This is for when your mind is racing for whatever reason, and you want/need to calm
down. Start at the top of the list, and give it three minutes. If that sense doesn't help you, move
on to the next. Speeding through them won't help you.
Now, I know how hard it can be to even think rationally when you're having a "crisis", let alone think of these things. I can't even say myself that any of these I use habitually (except for Processing), but it takes time to learn things. And it's even more difficult when you're crying and screaming and in a fit of rage and hitting everything in sight (along with yourself) and hating everything about you and your life.
I'll post new things that are introduced to me as I continue therapy.
Dissociation
The fourth definition for Dissociation on Dictionary.com is
"4. Psychiatry . the splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia or certain forms of hysteria."
I have experienced dissociation a lot, and currently, I have been dissociating since April 4th. Now, this does not mean I have amnesia, nor am I hysterical. I've just become disconnected. A simple, short dissociation period is like when you're driving down the highway and arrive at your destination, then suddenly you think, "How did I get here?" You can't immediately, or completely remember everything that happened during the car ride, all you know is that you got there safe and your car is still intact.
That is what I have been going through for the past few weeks, except expanded over into everything I've been doing. I can't remember actually going to my therapy session today unless I think about it, and I definitely can't remember what I did yesterday unless I really really press my mind. But hey, I'm still alive. I'm here to write about it. So it all must be going alright.
Anyway, apparently dissociation is very common for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I interpret the cause as being because of how extreme our emotions are. Negative things in our lives throw us way over the top normally. A friend getting mad at you when you weren't trying to upset them? Oh man. But someone using you, physically harming you, or even emotionally harming you way beyond them just being mad? Well shit. You don't want to deal with the feelings that are going to come up. They are WAY too extreme. It's easier to just not think about it, but with your mind, you can't ignore things. Instead, you just subconsciously FORGET them.
For me, any sexual situation causes dissociation. As soon as a guy starts kissing me, I go onto autopilot and immediately separate my mind from the situation. I don't want to think about what's happening because I don't WANT it to happen AT ALL. My past experiences have turned sexual situations into living nightmares for me. So, I dissociate, and I continue to dissociate until I am completely removed from the situation for a good amount of time.
Another part of dissociation is becoming completely apathetic to everything. I haven't felt happy, sad, angry, or anything since April 4th. Nothing has been affecting me at all, not even the fact that my birthday wasn't what I wanted it to be and that I was raped a week ago. In fact, I was raped probably because I was dissociating.
I'm even apathetic toward my own body, if that makes sense. I've felt numb for about a week now, like I'm floating or something. I bit through my cheek without even knowing I was doing it, and I promise I haven't been to the dentist to get a numbing shot. Sometimes totally random pain will shoot in, like in my fingernails for no reason.
Dissociation is NOT something you can control. It's not just ignoring something by thinking about something else, it's the numbing of your mind and it happens whether you want it to or not. And even though it may seem like a good thing (at least it does for me), it's not healthy. Emotions are healthy, and learning to deal with them leads to being even healthier. Dissociation doesn't allow you to feel the emotions that you need to deal with.
"4. Psychiatry . the splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia or certain forms of hysteria."
I have experienced dissociation a lot, and currently, I have been dissociating since April 4th. Now, this does not mean I have amnesia, nor am I hysterical. I've just become disconnected. A simple, short dissociation period is like when you're driving down the highway and arrive at your destination, then suddenly you think, "How did I get here?" You can't immediately, or completely remember everything that happened during the car ride, all you know is that you got there safe and your car is still intact.
That is what I have been going through for the past few weeks, except expanded over into everything I've been doing. I can't remember actually going to my therapy session today unless I think about it, and I definitely can't remember what I did yesterday unless I really really press my mind. But hey, I'm still alive. I'm here to write about it. So it all must be going alright.
Anyway, apparently dissociation is very common for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I interpret the cause as being because of how extreme our emotions are. Negative things in our lives throw us way over the top normally. A friend getting mad at you when you weren't trying to upset them? Oh man. But someone using you, physically harming you, or even emotionally harming you way beyond them just being mad? Well shit. You don't want to deal with the feelings that are going to come up. They are WAY too extreme. It's easier to just not think about it, but with your mind, you can't ignore things. Instead, you just subconsciously FORGET them.
For me, any sexual situation causes dissociation. As soon as a guy starts kissing me, I go onto autopilot and immediately separate my mind from the situation. I don't want to think about what's happening because I don't WANT it to happen AT ALL. My past experiences have turned sexual situations into living nightmares for me. So, I dissociate, and I continue to dissociate until I am completely removed from the situation for a good amount of time.
Another part of dissociation is becoming completely apathetic to everything. I haven't felt happy, sad, angry, or anything since April 4th. Nothing has been affecting me at all, not even the fact that my birthday wasn't what I wanted it to be and that I was raped a week ago. In fact, I was raped probably because I was dissociating.
I'm even apathetic toward my own body, if that makes sense. I've felt numb for about a week now, like I'm floating or something. I bit through my cheek without even knowing I was doing it, and I promise I haven't been to the dentist to get a numbing shot. Sometimes totally random pain will shoot in, like in my fingernails for no reason.
Dissociation is NOT something you can control. It's not just ignoring something by thinking about something else, it's the numbing of your mind and it happens whether you want it to or not. And even though it may seem like a good thing (at least it does for me), it's not healthy. Emotions are healthy, and learning to deal with them leads to being even healthier. Dissociation doesn't allow you to feel the emotions that you need to deal with.
Causes, Personal Experiences
There are a couple causes Borderline Personality Disorder, and they deal with childhood. The biggest cause is childhood abuse of any form. The other is genes, the disorder running in the family.
Now since the causes are so straight forward in their explanations, all I can really do is speak of my own causes. I'm going to be slightly vague and try to keep my story abridged, but I'll give you the general idea. I'll probably end up elaborating later anyway.
I'll have to start with how I was born. Not physically how I was born, but my temperament. Temperament is your natural predisposition, like where your point of level emotion is.
My therapist used a great example for me, and the best way to describe it is with pictures.
Okay. So there are two babies in a nursery at the hospital, both had been born at the same time on the same day. We will call them Baby A and Baby B just because I don't feel like being too creative.
So babies pretty much cry easily, right? It sucks but it's true. So, something sets them off, like some nurse drops a pan full of syringes, trips, falls, and pokes out her eye and is screaming in pain. These babies are going to start crying. This is where temperament comes in. Baby B has a naturally higher temperament than Baby A.
So, his stress levels are just naturally higher. That means when the nurse pokes out her eye, he's way more upset than the other baby. They start at their respective temperament levels and their stress shoots up.
Poor babies. There's even more noise as people come in with a gourney to wheel out the nurse. But once she's gone and peace and quiet is restored, the babies can finally calm back down. But, because of their temperament levels, Baby B is still going to be pretty stressed and can have his anger set off like a trigger once again.
Now since the causes are so straight forward in their explanations, all I can really do is speak of my own causes. I'm going to be slightly vague and try to keep my story abridged, but I'll give you the general idea. I'll probably end up elaborating later anyway.
I'll have to start with how I was born. Not physically how I was born, but my temperament. Temperament is your natural predisposition, like where your point of level emotion is.
My therapist used a great example for me, and the best way to describe it is with pictures.
Okay. So there are two babies in a nursery at the hospital, both had been born at the same time on the same day. We will call them Baby A and Baby B just because I don't feel like being too creative.
So babies pretty much cry easily, right? It sucks but it's true. So, something sets them off, like some nurse drops a pan full of syringes, trips, falls, and pokes out her eye and is screaming in pain. These babies are going to start crying. This is where temperament comes in. Baby B has a naturally higher temperament than Baby A.
So, his stress levels are just naturally higher. That means when the nurse pokes out her eye, he's way more upset than the other baby. They start at their respective temperament levels and their stress shoots up.
So there you go. My explanation wasn't as good as my therapist's and I probably missed something important. Oh, also I am Baby B. Anyway, Temperament is only 50% of the problem. (Or just my problem, it all depends).
The other 50% is the presence of an Invalidating Environment. That means that where I (or you or whoever) grew up didn't provide enough validation for them. To explain, I will use my situation.
I have lived with my parents my whole life. When I was a kid, they were still married. With them, no matter what I did or how well I did in school mattered. I have gotten top grades for all years of my life so far, and it doesn't mean anything. I wasn't told "good job", it was just what they expected of me and as long as I met their expectations, there were no problems.
Also, there was a strong lack of affection. Remember years ago when someone made fun of Kobe Bryant or Kobe made fun of someone else, saying they were a bad person because "His mom must have never hugged him enough as a kid"? Well, that's part of my problem. I wasn't given too many hugs or kisses. We didn't hold hands in the store or whatever. Physical contact is very important from birth, especially before the kid can talk and understand what you're saying. Touch, especially a mother's touch, is very important and shows love. Then, once they can speak and understand, it is also important to verbally tell children that you love them and let them know that the good things they do actually ARE good and should be celebrated. I didn't receive that either, of course.
So, Temperament and Invalidating Environment play a huge role in a child's development. For me, it played a very negative role. These things are sort of the whole "setting yourself up for failure" kind of aspect. They didn't flip the switch on giving me a personality disorder, they just screwed up the wiring in the wall and rerouted it straight for disaster.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Helpful Links, Numbers, and Addresses (Even Books!)
PHONE NUMBERS:
LINKS:
ADDRESSES:
BOOKS:
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
- Suicide Prevention Hotline (Helped me personally, and they can refer you to more local numbers if you need immediate help that is not so urgent for 911).
1-800-448-3000
- The Boys Town National Hotline (I have not personally called this number but it has been given to me.)
LINKS:
- Reading this always calms me down.
ADDRESSES:
- The Samaritans are non profit, you can email and they ALWAYS respond within a day. Talk about whatever you want with them.
BOOKS:
Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
- I do not suggest watching the movie, Whoopi Goldberg made me feel horrible about myself.
Grey Area
I guess the easiest way to tell my story is to split it into two sections: Before Therapy and After/During Therapy. It would make the most sense to go from beginning to end, but I think splitting it is the easiest for me. It made sense while I was taking a shower so I'm going to make it make sense here. This post is mostly the grey area/transition between the two.
Therapy was never an option I had for myself. Suicide was my option. Therapy was something suggested/told to me by a friend who I had met just a month before, this past new years. In my family, or at least in my mind of what my family is like, doctors and medicine and therapy and all of that is never something that's immediately thought of. It's never, "Oh, I feel really sick and I have a pain in my stomach, I should call a doctor and get it checked." Instead, it's more like, "Oh, I feel really sick and I have a pain in my stomach, but mom will get upset if I stay home from school and I probably just need to take a short nap or something and eat soup. I'll be back up and running in no time!" So naturally to me, it took him some persuading to get me into therapy.
In fact, the police were even involved in the process. One night, I just went "alright, I'm done here." I texted everyone I cared about and just said something close to, "Thank you for being a part of my life, goodbye." Then I tried to strangle myself with a belt (which by the way, won't work, it'll only make you sort of dizzy and have all the blood in your head feel like it's pushing out toward your skin). Anyway, the friend called the cops and he told me he was going to, so I ran out and got in my car and drove to a lake I used to live by. I walked all the way down a sidewalk that you can't get to with a car and sat in a park that was in the direct middle of the lake. It was around 9:30 at night so no one else was there and it was dark and cold. By that time everyone was calling or texting me and I guess they had some bonding moments with each other trying to get my address or something. Long story short, I went home because my dad was mad at me since the cops wouldn't leave until I got back.
Now this next part might piss you off or cause you to lose faith in America's police department proceedures, but try to think of it on their terms. They came up to me when I arrived and asked how I was. I told them I was fine because in all honesty I had alread changed my mind about dying, at least for that night. They asked if I needed any phone numbers to call, (which by the way, the national suicide prevention help hotline or whatever is 1-800-273-8255) and I told them yes I had that number. Also, at that moment, my mom pulled up and came rushing over acting all freaked out or something. (My parents are divorced and I live with my dad) Then I reassured the police I was okay, and they left.
My mom gave me a hug and whatever and I pushed her away and just said something like, "I have this under control. I'm going to see a therapist give me the insurance info. Go home."
Mostly after that night it's a blur. It did take me a couple weeks to find a therapist I was happy with, and one that would take my insurance. And I did give up on it plenty of times feeling either falsely content or just fed up with the process and the time it was taking.
But here I am now. My first therapy visit led me to almost immediately being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She asked if I knew what it was and I said I had heard of it. She asked my opinion on it, and I told her I didn't have one. She gave me some obscure description that was like a metaphor or some incripted message or something. I actually learned about it by going home that day and reading the entire wikipedia article. It was scary. I actually felt scared, and that's pretty abnormal for me.
It wasn't a wake up call or anything, since I knew something was obviously wrong with me if everything in my house was a weapon to use against myself, but it was definitely a "wow". I don't know how to describe it simply. Basically for me, I went home and got on the computer and typed in what she'd said, Borderline Personality Disorder. The wikipedia page was the first hit on Google, so I clicked there. It probably took me five minutes to read the whole thing, and I mean I READ it, I did not skim it. I guess it could maybe be compared to finding someone in the world that is exactly like you, and you're stuck in amazement, because I understood everything that article says, and still says (I often read it to try to understand my feelings and rationalize them). It was like I was reading a description of MYSELF. My COMPLETE self. (Aside from excessive drug and alcohol usage, I will clarify now)
I didn't like it. I was upset. That told me basically everything was wrong with me. I texted some people, asked what they thought about it. They either didn't know and I had to explain it, which I butchered and just ended up saying nevermind about, or they just thought it was a common thing. That got me thinking it was like one of those disorders that's just considered...an excuse? How people don't take ADD/ADHD seriously in children because children are "naturally" like that.
I didn't want an excuse. I'm not the type of person to use excuses for ANYTHING. I don't even want to draw any real attention to myself. But this was nuts. This disorder wasn't anything serious, nooo this was just one of those weird ones that everyone has the symptoms for.
While maybe it's true that the symptoms seem common, it's to the extent that they are occuring or even the strength in which they are occuring that draws the urgency to the disorder. This is not an excuse. This is making my life hell. Life is unnecessarily and unfairly hard, and it doesn't have to be that way.
There's one thing I would just like to say before I move on in my other posts to my personal experiences and my opinions and etc. It's that, out of pretty much I guess all the personality disorders (I forget where I read/heard this from), this is the only curable one.
You can get past this.
(Even for me, this is still unbelievable because I still feel like shit, but hey, "facts" are "facts".)
Therapy was never an option I had for myself. Suicide was my option. Therapy was something suggested/told to me by a friend who I had met just a month before, this past new years. In my family, or at least in my mind of what my family is like, doctors and medicine and therapy and all of that is never something that's immediately thought of. It's never, "Oh, I feel really sick and I have a pain in my stomach, I should call a doctor and get it checked." Instead, it's more like, "Oh, I feel really sick and I have a pain in my stomach, but mom will get upset if I stay home from school and I probably just need to take a short nap or something and eat soup. I'll be back up and running in no time!" So naturally to me, it took him some persuading to get me into therapy.
In fact, the police were even involved in the process. One night, I just went "alright, I'm done here." I texted everyone I cared about and just said something close to, "Thank you for being a part of my life, goodbye." Then I tried to strangle myself with a belt (which by the way, won't work, it'll only make you sort of dizzy and have all the blood in your head feel like it's pushing out toward your skin). Anyway, the friend called the cops and he told me he was going to, so I ran out and got in my car and drove to a lake I used to live by. I walked all the way down a sidewalk that you can't get to with a car and sat in a park that was in the direct middle of the lake. It was around 9:30 at night so no one else was there and it was dark and cold. By that time everyone was calling or texting me and I guess they had some bonding moments with each other trying to get my address or something. Long story short, I went home because my dad was mad at me since the cops wouldn't leave until I got back.
Now this next part might piss you off or cause you to lose faith in America's police department proceedures, but try to think of it on their terms. They came up to me when I arrived and asked how I was. I told them I was fine because in all honesty I had alread changed my mind about dying, at least for that night. They asked if I needed any phone numbers to call, (which by the way, the national suicide prevention help hotline or whatever is 1-800-273-8255) and I told them yes I had that number. Also, at that moment, my mom pulled up and came rushing over acting all freaked out or something. (My parents are divorced and I live with my dad) Then I reassured the police I was okay, and they left.
My mom gave me a hug and whatever and I pushed her away and just said something like, "I have this under control. I'm going to see a therapist give me the insurance info. Go home."
Mostly after that night it's a blur. It did take me a couple weeks to find a therapist I was happy with, and one that would take my insurance. And I did give up on it plenty of times feeling either falsely content or just fed up with the process and the time it was taking.
But here I am now. My first therapy visit led me to almost immediately being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She asked if I knew what it was and I said I had heard of it. She asked my opinion on it, and I told her I didn't have one. She gave me some obscure description that was like a metaphor or some incripted message or something. I actually learned about it by going home that day and reading the entire wikipedia article. It was scary. I actually felt scared, and that's pretty abnormal for me.
It wasn't a wake up call or anything, since I knew something was obviously wrong with me if everything in my house was a weapon to use against myself, but it was definitely a "wow". I don't know how to describe it simply. Basically for me, I went home and got on the computer and typed in what she'd said, Borderline Personality Disorder. The wikipedia page was the first hit on Google, so I clicked there. It probably took me five minutes to read the whole thing, and I mean I READ it, I did not skim it. I guess it could maybe be compared to finding someone in the world that is exactly like you, and you're stuck in amazement, because I understood everything that article says, and still says (I often read it to try to understand my feelings and rationalize them). It was like I was reading a description of MYSELF. My COMPLETE self. (Aside from excessive drug and alcohol usage, I will clarify now)
I didn't like it. I was upset. That told me basically everything was wrong with me. I texted some people, asked what they thought about it. They either didn't know and I had to explain it, which I butchered and just ended up saying nevermind about, or they just thought it was a common thing. That got me thinking it was like one of those disorders that's just considered...an excuse? How people don't take ADD/ADHD seriously in children because children are "naturally" like that.
I didn't want an excuse. I'm not the type of person to use excuses for ANYTHING. I don't even want to draw any real attention to myself. But this was nuts. This disorder wasn't anything serious, nooo this was just one of those weird ones that everyone has the symptoms for.
While maybe it's true that the symptoms seem common, it's to the extent that they are occuring or even the strength in which they are occuring that draws the urgency to the disorder. This is not an excuse. This is making my life hell. Life is unnecessarily and unfairly hard, and it doesn't have to be that way.
There's one thing I would just like to say before I move on in my other posts to my personal experiences and my opinions and etc. It's that, out of pretty much I guess all the personality disorders (I forget where I read/heard this from), this is the only curable one.
You can get past this.
(Even for me, this is still unbelievable because I still feel like shit, but hey, "facts" are "facts".)
Late Beginnings
Hey, what's up. Call me Bear. I should probably explain myself first off. I'm a young person. I don't have a degree or any formal teachings of this or any disorder, or even of any counseling or therapy or psychological services. I took a Psych 101 class once in High School, and I have access to the internet, myself, and my therapist. All my opinions, views, "advice", and descriptions are based on my knowledge from these places. Take what I write with a grain of salt because it's not going to always be 100% accurate or even anything good to say, and it may or may not relate to your personal situations, or other people's situations that you are trying to understand.
With saying that, while I don't have a copy of the DSM IV, I've read the descriptions of Borderline Personality Disorder from it on the internet, and it almost fits me to a T. Interpretations and experiences will be what makes the difference there, please understand.
Also, I only started therapy like what, two months ago maybe? And before that time I had no idea that anything was really even wrong with me. So I guess even though I'm experienced in the fact that I have had the symptoms for a long time, I am still learning about it and myself. This won't be a solution or a manual about how to live with it and move on, because I'm still neck deep in the shit that is BPD and I'm just beginning to climb back out. See this as a journey or something cliche.
This post is just a disclaimer and an introduction, for now. I'll try to write weekly posts but who knows, it may not stay that way. I'll likely end up posting whenever I feel up to it.
If you have BPD or even Bipolar Disorder, which is similar but not the same, feel free to contact me and we can talk over email or Skype or something. Something I have been told and am still even in the process of fathoming is that I am not alone. And if I'm not alone, neither are you.
With saying that, while I don't have a copy of the DSM IV, I've read the descriptions of Borderline Personality Disorder from it on the internet, and it almost fits me to a T. Interpretations and experiences will be what makes the difference there, please understand.
Also, I only started therapy like what, two months ago maybe? And before that time I had no idea that anything was really even wrong with me. So I guess even though I'm experienced in the fact that I have had the symptoms for a long time, I am still learning about it and myself. This won't be a solution or a manual about how to live with it and move on, because I'm still neck deep in the shit that is BPD and I'm just beginning to climb back out. See this as a journey or something cliche.
This post is just a disclaimer and an introduction, for now. I'll try to write weekly posts but who knows, it may not stay that way. I'll likely end up posting whenever I feel up to it.
If you have BPD or even Bipolar Disorder, which is similar but not the same, feel free to contact me and we can talk over email or Skype or something. Something I have been told and am still even in the process of fathoming is that I am not alone. And if I'm not alone, neither are you.
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